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Comments made in the year 1957:
”I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going
to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for
$20.”
”Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $2000
will only buy a used one.”
”If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is
ridiculous.”
”Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a
letter?”
”If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help
at the store.”
”When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29
cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.”
”Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay
groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be
wearing their hair as long as the girls.”
”I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark
Gable get by with saying ‘damn’ in ‘Gone With The Wind,’ it seems every new
movie has either “hell” or “damn” in it.
”I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on
the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call
astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.”
”Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a
year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making
more than the president.”
”I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.
They are even making electric typewriters now.”
”It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are
having to work to make ends meet.”
”It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to
watch their kids so they can both work.”
”Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be
getting divorced at the drop of a hat.”
”I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of
foreign business.”
”Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our
income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to
congress.”
”The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt
they will ever catch on.”
”There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs
nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.”
”No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich
for my blood.”
”If
they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.”
Menu
Wise
choice
A man, his
wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there
the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have
her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land
for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only
$150.00?"
The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance."
Menu
Aspirins
A guy is out with buddies
and has a few drinks and is feeling a little
frisky but, true to his
wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so
he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts
to choke, but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?"
He says,
"Two aspirin."
She
replies, "But I don't have a headache!"
He says, "That's all I
wanted to hear."
Menu
Nice Little tribute to a man who DID make a
difference:
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit
needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than
the cake."
ON TURNING 100 "I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until
noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...
the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild
oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's
called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green
fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only
six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said
to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I
think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When
it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the
bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't
for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate
to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
Menu
Two Priests
Two priests died at
the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is
down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as
priests. You can do anything as we won't be able to keep track of what
you're up to with the computers down."
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the
Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over and says sheepishly "Well, I've always wanted
to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and poof the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests.
"Will you have any trouble finding them?" he asks.
"Well," says St. Peter. "One is somewhere over the Rockies, flying
with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asked the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Maine."
Menu
"Drinking Lesson"
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade
class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced
an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of
whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the
professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm
in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed
painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as
a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?"
the professor asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded:
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
Menu
Menopause:
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able
to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and
went home, the relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby, one asked?"
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile
first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new
baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby
now?"
"Not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him..."
Menu
Funeral Procession
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a
pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women
walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman
walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad
time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is
it?"
"My husband's."
>"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when
the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."Menu
Mommy Test
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.
"Why ?"
"Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow!
How do you know all this stuff?
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on
the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."
Menu
Luck of the Irish
An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal
with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if
he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
An
Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and sees an empty
wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been
drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and
one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then
they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's
provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To
his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on
the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a
long, tension-filled moment, he spoke, "Nice going, Patrick! Now
we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
Menu
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was
bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very
good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?"
the clerk said proudly. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had
so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the
manager asked.
"That's the one!" said the clerk.
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me,
why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog
bit me."
Menu
Short story
A college class was
told they had to write a short story in as few words as
possible. The short story had to
contain the following three
things:
(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery
There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
Below is the A+ short story:
Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?
Menu
Speeding
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off
down the road, gunning it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what
little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared
down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.
Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind
him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no
problem," thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at
over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph!
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up
with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is
Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a
Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
Menu
Super
Bowl
A man had two 50 yard line
tickets for the Super Bowl. At the end of the first quarter the seat next to him
is empty. A man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat
next to him. "No ", he said, the seat is empty" "This is incredible" said the
man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl,
the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it?"
Somberly, the man says, "Well
.the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but
she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since
we got married in 1957."
"Oh
I'm so sorry to hear that.,
that's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else---a friend , relative or
even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head, "No they're all at
her funeral."
Menu
Dietician
Henry, an elderly man, was listening to a dietician addressing a large
audience in London.
"Did you know," said the dietician, "that the stuff we regularly put into our
stomachs is harmful enough to eventually kill most of us here today?
Well it's true. Red meat is terrible for us, soft drinks erode our stomach
lining, Chinese food is loaded with Monosodium Glutamate and even vegetables can
be disastrous to some of us. And most of us don't realize the long-term harm
being caused by additions to our drinking water.
But bad as these are, one thing is worse than all of these put together and we
have all eaten it or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food causes the
most grief and ssuffering for years after eating it?"
Henry stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
Menu
Can't
find a job
This really is not a joke but how true.
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE
IN JAPAN)
for 6am. While his coffeepot
(MADE
IN
CHINA)
was perking, he shaved with his electric razor
(MADE
IN HONG KONG).
He put on a dress shirt
(MADE
IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans
(MADE
IN SINGAPORE)
and tennis shoes
(MADE
IN KOREA).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
(MADE
IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator
(MADE
IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch
(MADE
IN TAIWAN)
to the radio
(MADE
IN INDIA)
he got in his car
(MADE
IN GERMANY)
and continued his search for a good paying
AMERICAN
JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax
for a while. He put on his sandals
(MADE
IN BRAZIL)
poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE
IN FRANCE)
and turned on his TV
(MADE
IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....
Menu
Customer Service
A lady died this past January. Citibank billed her for February and March for
their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and
interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere
around $60.00. A family ember placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the
credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?
"Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her
being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank Supervisor: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank Supervisor: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given to the
Supervisor).
Citibank Supervisor: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can
do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Menu
APPLES & WINE
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most
men don't want to reach for the good ones, because they are afraid of falling
and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that
aren't as good, but easy.......
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one
who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now Men....
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp
the crap
out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Menu
Friendly Thoughts
1. The best way to get even is to forget...
2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death...
3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...
4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight...
5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on
earth....
6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, Then perhaps giving
"advice" to God, isn't such a good idea!
7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up...
8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by
the traffic from both ways.
10. A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims
it's a forgery.
11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill, just add a little
dirt.
12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person; it's being the right
person.
13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
14. Too many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over them.
15. The tongue must be heavy,
indeed,
because so few people can hold it.
16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free and then discover the prisoner was
you.
17. You have to wonder about humans, they think
God is dead and Elvis is alive!
19. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its
neck...
20. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the
water bill is higher.
You are richer today if you have laughed, given, or forgiven!
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