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A few short ones
They call our
language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
It was love at first sight. Then I took
a second look !!
"Do you think I'll lose my looks as I get
older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."
"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"
There are two
kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
"I gotta 'A' in spelling."
"You dope! There isn't any 'A' in spelling."
When a wife was asked:
What book do you like the best?
She answers: My husband's check book.
Drive
carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.
They couldn't
repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class
pulls a hamstring.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that
communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you
like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" clear as a bell my body
said, Listen fatty......do it and die.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're
doing, someone else always does.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Amazing you hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
Just when I got use to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything.....then I regain consciousness.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If
it doesn't come back it was never yours to begin with. But if it sets in your
living room messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes
your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you set it free...... You either
married it or gave birth to it.
Why did Tiger look in the toilet?
Looking for Pooh.
Thanks Dru
Why did the Mexican girl get caught
having sex in class?
The teacher told her to do a essay. Thanks Dru
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KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the
actual AP headline).
Linda, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went
to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her
sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed,
with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked
over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very
strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been
shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an
hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they
finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread stuck to the back of
her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud
noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of
her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and
tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to
her aid.
Yes, Linda is a blonde.
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The Senior Tour Bus
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is
tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and
she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight
times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts
themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old
teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate
around them.............
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Headache
Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have
a bad headache.
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Senior Moments!
Three old guys are out
walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing
great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur.
Be careful.'"
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Little Johnny
A new teacher was trying to
make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone
who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think
you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream
with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be
a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on
His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus
occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is
Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! ! I know! He's
in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he
gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the
bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human
beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially
intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and
said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a
wife."
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police
station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted
criminals One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was
the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father
moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump,
and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that
they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
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Red Skelton
Red Skelton shared his humor
with us for decades. He did so without four-letter words and raunchy antics.
Throughout his career, he gained the respect of his fellow performers and
audiences alike, and always was considered a top entertainer in his field. As we
deal with our myriad day-to-day problems, a little levity is a welcome respite
in today's world.
Below are Mr. Skelton's tips for a happy marriage:
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then
comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds, Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I
haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread maker.
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I
bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the
carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake"
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, " Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in."
10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said,
"Dust."
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Coaches' retreat
The high school coaches in a
Midwest city went to a coaches' retreat. To save money they had to room
together. No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so bad. They
decide it's not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they
voted to take turns.
The first coach sleeps with Daryl and comes to breakfast next morning with his
hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot.
They say, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud,
I couldn't get to sleep all night."
The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning, same thing --
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happened to you?
You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I couldn't get to
sleep at all."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player-looking type of man's man.
Next morning, he comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good
morning."
They can't believe it! They say, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got
ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He
stayed awake all night watching me."
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Muldoon Mourns his Mutt
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside
with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to
the parish priest and said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a
mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll
go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the
service?"
Father
Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the
dog was Catholic?"
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word
meaning
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when
they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is
only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in
"Fine."
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing."
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to
a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
welcome.
WHATEVER
This is really a woman's way of saying *$%& You while making her
point about "Nothing".
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The Frog and Handsome Prince
Once upon a time, in a land far
away, a beautiful,
independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a
verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and
said: "Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss
from you, however, and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince
that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your
castle
with my mother, where you can
prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear
my children,
and forever feel grateful
and happy doing so."
That night, the princess
chuckled and thought to herself,
“I don't freakin' think so”, as she dined sumptuously
on lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream
sauce.
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A lady walks into a drug store and
tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The Pharmacists' eyes got big and he said, Lord, Have mercy, I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That is against the
law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and
all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you cannot
have any cyanide!
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacists' wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now,
you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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What does Love mean?
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it.
Touching words from the mouth of kids.
A group of professional people posed this question to a
group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone
could have imagined. See what you think:
"When my grandmother got
arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails
anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time,
even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
When someone loves you, the
way they say your name is different. You just know that your
name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on
perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out
and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to
eat and give somebody most of your French fries without
making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy -age 6
"Love is what makes you smile
when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes
coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to
him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all
the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want
to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are
like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room
with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and
listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love
better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6 (we need a few
million more Nikka's on this planet)
"Love is when you tell a guy
you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old
woman and a little old man who are still friends even after
they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I
was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people
watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the
only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than
anybody . You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at
night."
Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives
Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy
smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert
Redford."
Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks
your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves
me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go
out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your
eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
(what an imagination)
Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees
Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I
love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should
say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
And the final one -- Author
and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he
was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find
the most caring child.
The winner was a four year
old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman
who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the
little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto
his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he
had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I
just helped him cry"
When there is nothing left but
God, that is when you find out that God is all you need.
Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply
say the following small prayer for the person who sent you
this.
God bless all my friends in
whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day!
And may their life be full of your peace, prosperity and
power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with
you. Amen.
Go confidently in the
direction of your dreams, Live the life you have imagined.
~~Henry David Thoreau
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The Errand
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, McQuillan started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what he had seen, "what
was that all about?"
"Nothin'," answered McQuillan, "the wife just sent me out for a jar of
olives
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mental asylum
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time. This little
test should get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what are the
criteria used that defines a patient to be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup,
and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
Okay, here's your test: (Those with an abnormal tendency will scroll to the
bottom to get the answer before taking the test. Resist the urge.)
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket
as it is larger than the spoon."
click here for the answer
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Comments
1. The best way to get even is to forget...
2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death...
3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...
4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight...
5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on
earth....
6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, Then perhaps giving
"advice" to God, isn't such a good idea!
7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up...
8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by
the traffic from both ways.
10. A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims
it's a forgery.
11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill, just add a little
dirt.
12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person; it's being the right
person.
13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
14. Too many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over them.
15. The tongue must be heavy,
indeed,
because so few people can hold it.
16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free and then discover the prisoner was
you.
17. You have to wonder about humans, they think
God is dead and Elvis is alive!
19. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its
neck...
20. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the
water bill is higher.
You are richer today if you have laughed, given, or forgiven!
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Spike
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the
mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a
check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever
you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT
SAY ANYTHING TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered
the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had
said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his
work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling,
cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any
longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
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